The NGOs' satirical look at the negotiating sessions, the formal positions of the main delegations and the idiosyncrasies of the delegates.

SCRIPT

CHAIR Welcome to the 73rd session of the Working Group's negotiations for a Convention on Access to a Bit of Information, a Little Participation of Some of The Public in a Few Decisions and Access to Square Brackets, If Appropriate. It's very nice to see the same old faces. First of all, I would like to thank the delegation of Italy for arranging this much-needed break in Roma after the overwhelming delights of Geneva. Italy.

ITALY We are very 'appy Willum to be 'osting this important session of the Convengtion. We 'ope very much that everyone 'as a great time, except anyone who disagrees with us. And we promise that our policemen will not 'it any of you very 'ard with their big batons. They're very sweet, really, 'onest.

CHAIR UK

UK Mr Chairman, whilst we agree with Italy on many many important matters, and disagree with them on many many other equally important matters, and while we would not like to give the impression of agreement or disagreement, Her Majesty's Government is pleased to have the opportunity of expressing its heartfelt thanks and appreciation to the distinguished delegation of Italy for its fulsome efforts in pulling this trip off. Her Majesty is also very relieved to know that she will not be hit by a big baton. I could say that again, Mr Chairman, if you would like that or if you thought that that might assist delegates.

CHAIR Thank you, but that will not be necessary. Right, we must move on. Before doing so, I would like to mention one matter which delegates may think it appropriate to bear in mind when determining their interventions. As you know, the Aarhus Conference has already been postponed 7 times to allow us more time to finish our discussions. We have done some good work, but our Ministers are not at all happy with us. So, we must resist the temptation of saying anything that is likely to prolong the discussions. Have you got that? Good. Right, the Secretariat has an announcement. Secretariat.

SECRETARIAT Thank you Mr Chairman. This is your session and nothing that goes on here has anything to do with me, I am pleased to say. We are just here to help. But I would draw the attention of distinguished delegates to Document CEP/4.3d/Addendum 24c, containing the 17th Consolidated Draft, and to Document CEP/4.3e/123/ABC/Sit-on-my-knee, which is the Provisional Agenda for this 73rd session. And I should also ask for the indulgence of distinguished delegates as our photocopying facilities are about 1,000 miles away down the corridor and so Certain delays may be experienced in photocopying drafts.

CHAIR Thank you. You will note that there is only one item on the Agenda, and if no delegation opposes it, I propose that we proceed with discussion of that item, namely "Annex 29", entitled 'The Right of the Public to Know What Officials Have Had for Breakfast'. I will start with paragraph 1, which reads "The public shall have the right to inspect the breakfasts of officials, free of charge." Germany.

GERMANY I am very sorry, Mr Chairman, we cannot accept this. Our constitution puts a duty on the State to inform the public of what officials have for breakfast. We cannot change our constitution, or our law, or our practice, or our policy, or our position, or our underpants. I am very sorry. I am very very sorry.

CHAIR Russian Federation.

RUSSIA Blagodarju vas gospodin predsedatelj. I think distinguished delegates should take great care before going down the road proposed by this provision. Of course, Mr Chairman, these things are extremely important but we have to think very carefully before accepting an international obligation which could have grave implications. And rights, what do we mean by rights? We have to be very careful. And free of charge? Mr Chairman, Governments must be free to do what they want. We have to be very, very careful. Neither can we accept 'inspect',
because in Russian it means to 'eat'. We would suggest that the paragraph reads "Each Party shall endeavour to consider the desirability of taking steps to encourage members of the public to have the opportunity of viewing the breakfasts of officials, in accordance with national nutrition, having made an advanced reservation and upon paying the cost of the breakfast plus 7.3 billion roubles, and then only if we say so."

CHAIR NGOs.

NGOs Here we go again. This is absolutely typical. We are wasting our time here. Governments are presiding over a dietary disaster and we cannot have this Convention hijacked. Why aren't the progressive countries speaking up? We see this as the single most important point in the whole Convention and frankly if some countries want confrontation then we'll have to go back to our constituencies and have them look in your kitchen window at 8 o'clock in the morning, and see how you like that.

CHAIR I see the Danish flag. Denmark.

DENMARK Well, we sympathise with the NGOs and we don't want them to be unhappy. But we must finalise the Convention - I should have retired 4
years ago.

CHAIR Belarus

BELARUS Blagodarju vas gospodin predsedatelj. We entirely agree with the
impressive comments made by the noble delegation of the Russian Federation. Just cross it out!

CHAIR Belgium.

BELGIUM Mr Chairman, we would like to table an additional paragraph along with Italy and Denmark, before paragraph 1, which reads, "In order to guarantee the right to a healthy breakfast, the Parties shall establish the rights contained in this Annex". This, of course, does not establish the right to a healthy breakfast, it merely talks about it, but as a result of an immense lobbying effort by Belgium I know that it is supported by almost every delegation, basically because it doesn't mean anything.

CHAIR I see the German flag, but I have no intention of giving them the floor. Right, we'll put the paragraph in square brackets for the time being and move on to paragraph 2, which is a UK proposal. UK.

UK Thank you, Mr Chairman, for your excellent and accurate recollection of the author of this proposal, which we will withdraw immediately if any delegation shows the slightest indication of agreeing or disagreeing with it, though of course if our distinguished Chairman likes it that would be another matter. It reads: "No information shall be made available under paragraph 1 above if it affects nutritional confidentiality or is the subject of internal consumption." Would it be helpful, Mr Chairman, if I read that again slowly?

CHAIR No it wouldn't. Thank you, UK. The Netherlands.

NL We do not have any difficulty with that, but the public interest test is absolutely unacceptable to us, and we need a definition of 'breakfast' as well as general provisions.

CHAIR I don't think a public interest test was mentioned. Perhaps the
Netherlands would like to reflect on their position, which I totally disagree with. Damn it all. Romania.

ROMANIA Mr Chairman, we can support the entire text totally and agree with the distinguished delegate from Armenia, provided that there is a reference to the importance of scrambled egg on toast.

CHAIR Very well. The Netherlands again.

NL We have reflected carefully on our position, Mr Chairman, and it remains the same.

CHAIR You might live to regret that. Russian Federation.

RUSSIA Blagodarju vas gospodin predsedatelj. Officials' breakfasts are state secrets. We cannot allow anyone to know anything.

CHAIR Well, we must make some progress, and this is clearly in the Sofia Guidelines. European Commission.

EC We have no mandate at this stage to respond to anything that has or has not been said, but we starting to warm up. Breakfast-eating is within the sole competence of the European Union and Member States have no right to speak.

CHAIR This arena is not the place to make comments of that nature. Belarus.

BELARUS Blagodarju vas gospodin predsedatelj. We impressively agree with the noble comments of the entire delegation of the Russian Federation. But we must say that Turkey is doing very well also.

CHAIR Coalition.

NGOs Specific reference to scrambled egg on toast gives the wrong message to other equally important breakfast items which might feel offended. This exception is a clear attempt to ride a coach and horses through the whole Convention. We oppose it from the bottom of our stomachs. We see this as the single most crucial point in the whole Convention and frankly we are perplexed, disturbed and appalled. No we're not, we're absolutely stunned. For God's sake, wake up.

CHAIR We will put that in an hors d'oeuvre, and move on to the next proposal which comes from Italy. Italy you have the floor.

ITALY Thank you, Willum. We 'ope no one will opp-site this proposal, but if anyone do, I must emph-size Willum, my Minister will not sign the Convengtion at Aarhus, if I 'ave one. I 'ope you understand. The proposal reads: "The public concerned shall be informed of the breakfasts of officials but NGOs shall not be informed."

CHAIR France.

FRANCE Merci Monsieur President. We support Italy. Only those members of the public on the Metro in the mornings who have to smell the garlic on officials' breath have an interest to be informed.

CHAIR Germany.

GERMANY Our constitution will have to be amended. I am very sorry, but my instructions and career path are clear, so I must oppose it. Does the public want the right to have breakfast with the Chancellor? Whatever next? Tea with the Chancellor? Dinner with the President? No, no, no, no, no - industry would never allow it.

CHAIR NGOs.

NGOs When will delegates realise they are totally failing to understand the principles of democracy and breakfast-eating? We don't trust anyone in a position of power, so the Convention must give Governments no room to breathe, though we grudgingly accept that officials and politicians have the right to live. So we have a proposal to insert a new Annex 27 bis.A.III to include provisions saying exactly what the public should be informed of, including the venue, commencement time, the various breakfast options and no breakfast alternative, the right to a reasoned decision on the ultimate choice and participation in monitoring the effects of breakfast. Here is our proposal in this regard, which we would like the Secretariat to photocopy immediately.
[Present it to the Secretariat]. This is the most significant provision in the entire Convention and frankly we wish we were dead.

CHAIR You're not the only ones. Didn't you hear what I said at the start? UK.

UK We have no desire, Mr Chairman, to thwart the will of the group and we entirely understand and respect the importance of the principle behind the proposal which Italy is impressively seeking to advance, but we have very serious reservations about the provision which we consider to be ill-conceived and possibly proposed without a full appreciation of its consequences.

CHAIR What on earth does that mean? UK.

UK We think it's a stupid idea. Unless at the end of the day of course, Mr Chairman, you like it. We will not die in the ditch over it.

CHAIR Fair enough, Poland.

POLAND Mr Chairman, maybe there is a compromise here.....

CHAIR Thank you very much, Yerrrgeeee, for volunteering to convene a small group to work on this provision. The small group will meet at 3.30 tomorrow morning and coffee, sandwiches and beds will be provided by the Secretariat. Poland.

POLAND But, Mr Chairman, this is......

CHAIR Thank you Yerrrgeeee for your selfless efforts. You know full well, Yerrrgeeee, that as Vice Chairman, this is your duty. So please stop complaining. The Secretariat.

SECRETARIAT Mr Chairman. The Secretariat is here is help. It is entirely up to the Plenary what it wants to do, and we will get you beds if you wish. But I must ask the indulgence of distinguished delegates, as our beds are currently in storage and the sheets have still not been washed since the last small group owing to budgetary rrestrictions, but we will do our best.

CHAIR I am sure Yerrrgeeee and the small group will be most grateful
to the Secretariat. Perhaps you could manage some pillows as well. Right, let's move on to paragraph 4, "NGOs shall have the right to attend Breakfasts of the Parties". Would the Coalition like to introduce this proposal? NGOs.

NGOs Yes, Mr Chairman, thank you. We must make an important step forward in international law and build on Bern, Espoo, Sofia, St.Petersburg, Marseilles, Katmandu and Hanoi. We are fed up by only being observers at breakfasts and we want to participate, including having the right to eat.

CHAIR Denmark.

DENMARK If the NGOs are hungry, then we are hungry. Anorexic NGOs are
dangerous NGOs. I am sure we can find some compromise wording here, by combining together all the paragraphs in the entire Annex so that it would then read "The NGOs shall have the right." Full stop. End of Annex. We know this is not what the NGOs want, but we must get this Convention finished.

CHAIR Russian Federation.

RUSSIA Blagodarju vas gospodin predsedatelj. This matter is entirely outside the scope of all known law and experience at international, regional, domestic, and oblast level. And even if it isn't, it should be. And even if it has to be, then it should not be covered in this Convention. We think the Danish proposal should be amended to read "Most Parties, in accordance with national nutrition, should use not the worst efforts to give NGOs the possibility".

CHAIR Belarus

BELARUS Blagodarju vas gospodin predsedatelj. We nobly agree with the
entire comments of the impressive delegation of the Russian Federation. Just cross it out!

CHAIR I see the Belgian flag. Belgium.

BELGIUM Mr Chairman, hang on a moment, we are the experts at combining
as many proposals as possible into one. We think simply saying "The NGOs
shall" would work.

CHAIR Italy.

ITALY Willum, we can continue to talk in this way if you like, but I think if we do, it 'as never end. Veit and Belgium 'ave come up with excellent proposals which we cannot opp-site. And if anyone should opp-site this proposal, especially if it is the European Commission, then my Minister, whoever he or she is, will be very un'appy and we might 'ave to get our big batons out again.

CHAIR Romania.

ROMANIA Thank you Mr Chairman, we support Belgium, Denmark, Italy, Armenia and Manchester United. This will be the first time that the Convention will say anything about the NGOs having obligations which is a very good thing. Chocolate cookies are very tasty. Thank you Mr Chairman.

CHAIR NGOs.

NGOs Well, Mr Chairman, we can have no respect for such scandalous and indefensible positions which are taking this Convention to new depths.

CHAIR Thank you NGOs. I knew it would be a risky business inviting you to our meetings, now I'm convinced. Right, it is 6 o'clock. You are all cordially invited to join me on the 8th floor of the Coliseum overlooking the beautiful Lions Den and I can exercise the traditional right of the Chairman to throw into it delegates of my choice. Session closed.